My Anxiety, My Depression, My Health
******TRIGGER WARNING***********
Hey Readers,
How are you guys? Hope you guys are doing well..
Today, I want to talk about my anxiety, my depression and my health.
I don't know if you know anything about anxiety and depression,
those who have anxiety and depression and those who understands and went through it, than you will know what I'm talking about. Before I go into details, I want to give a short introduction or definitions of what anxiety and depression is. as well as my other diagnoses.. information and photos I got is from Google..
My therapist did diagnose me as having Anxiety and depression. "Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain. outcome." "Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home."
When I was younger I was diagnose by a pediatrician psychiatrist that I have ADHD which stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. "ADHD is a disorder that makes it difficult for a person to pay attention and control impulsive behaviors. He or she may also be restless and almost constantly active."
Almost 4-5 years ago I was Diagnose with
Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a hormonal disorder common among women of reproductive age. Women with PCOS may have infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods or excess male hormone (androgen) levels. The ovaries may develop numerous small collections of fluid (follicles) and fail to regularly release eggs."
Almost for 4 years not I was diagnose my pulmonologist that I have Asthma, thankfully it is not severe and usually accts up during cold seasons like Fall and winter, or if I am in cold air. My asthma gets bad too when I am as well. "Asthma is a condition in which your airways narrow and swell and produce extra mucus. This can make breathing difficult and trigger coughing, wheezing and shortness of breath."
Now there is a introduction of all my diagnoses, lets talk about the details, my life and my struggles. To be honest I wanted to just talk abut my anxiety and my depression but I also realize that my health problems is part of it and is connected to my anxiety and depression as well.. mentally and physically. I want to be honest with you guys as much as possible because even though I feel like I am going through this alone, I know that a lot of you guys are going through this, and can relate to this as well. I think my anxiety and depression probably started in high school but I guess the story started as a child. It was rough for me as a child, even as a family, my parents were immigrants from Struggling to survive the American dreams. We moved a lot due to my father's job I was Born in Kansas, Moved to Minnesota, than to Boston, MA, than Birmingham AL, than CT.. the last stop for now. Been in CT SINCE 4TH GRADE
I just turn
27th on the 10th of March.. As you can only assume it was hard for me making friends because of moving to so many different school so many times. as I can't remember my childhood, I can only remember the fights that my parents would have all the time, I can remember the times I was being bullied as child throughout high school by my classmates, and I can remember the feelings I had back than, sad, lonely and lost. I still feel like that, in a fact I think in my early 20s my emotions became darker in darker.. I would cry every single day until I fell asleep, ,I was angry all the time, and I just didn't want to do anything but stay in my bed and hide. I hated myself, I hated my life, my face and I defnity hated my body. All I wanted to do was hide from the world and pray nobody would see my because I was afraid that people would laugh at me as they did back than when I was a child and in high school especially the guys. I remember walking through school halls people would just laugh at me, they would talk about how funny my outfits were, how weird I am and etc.. People would just pick on me.. because why? I wasn't white, blonde, blue eyes, a cheerleader, skinny or a straight A student? Those are the things I figure why I didn't have a lot of friends, I would always tell myself if only I was, if only I am, if only I have...
Not only I was struggling as a child in school I was also struggling as Daughter. Majority, Chinese people are super smart and successful. You met them im sure, most Chinese kids I know are all honors students, straight As students, musicians playing the violin or Piano really well,
going to amazing schools and now they are engineers, lawyers, or doctors. If you are raised by a Chinese family, than you have to live by your parent's expectation and if you don't.. you are DISHONOR to your family, and DISGRACE. The expectations of a Chinese parents.. You are not allowed to have a A- on your report card, you will play the piano or violin 2 hours a day or until your hands bleed when you play perfectly. No tv or hangout with friends weekdays, on weekend you will study, study and do the extra homework your parents assigned to you, and aside from that you have Chinese homework TO DO BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO GO TO CHINESE SCHOOL ON SUNDAYS.. Your Chinese parents expects you choose your career as a Lawyer, Engineer, or a doctor. Mostly if you are a girl, they expect your husband to be a white or Chinese and they have to also have a career as a doctor, lawyer, and engineer, as well as having a nice car and a nice house. If you do not have anything I just listed than again you are a dishonor, an embarrassment and a disgrace to the family. You guys may think im overeating but asked any Chinese who were raises by Chinese immigrants what their parent's expectations. Anyway well I'm not a honor student, I was a B, and c student. I have aDHD SO that didn't help, I suck at piano and I blew my SATS and I went to a community college and tried to go through nursing bc my parents made but I quit because I kept failing all the math and science classes.. I spend 4 years are a 2 year college only graduation with a associates degree under math and science. I work at a call center and only make $13 per hr and i don't drive, don't have a house and no husband and no grandkids to give to my parent. Still live with my family and I am complete failure and a loser. As much as my parents won't admit, but they are extremely embarrassed of me, they always brag about my two youngers sister how my 20 years sister is majoring in bio science, and how she got an internship over the summer and how she got a great scholarships and they talk about my youngest sister is in all honors student and she is always at the to of her class. A couple of weeks ago I had a fight with my parents, in the end I apologized to them but not being the perfect daughter and being an embarrassment and a disgrace. They told me they worry abut me ad I have too much self pity.. when I said sorry, they said "Your sorry? so what? what's the point of you being sorry to me? what are you going to do to make you no sorry? do something than?" even though they didn't say the exact words on being embarrasses and ashamed of me and didn't need to tell me directly. I just know and I just feel it. Do you what is it like to have your parents being ashamed ND embarrassed, I already have enough on my plate and not having the support from my family is really hard. My family blames me for everything, they think im lazy, too emotional and they don't understand why I cant be normal. They blamed me for being bullied because I wasn't a normal kid.. I always had issues and caused problems.. You guys have no IDEA what it is like being Chinese, being raised by a Chinese family, by Chinese immigrants. The pressure, the stress and the emotions you have to go through. I cry for myself, but I also cry for my parents. I will never be the daughter they want. sometimes I wish I was never born so I don't have the disappointments on their face because that is heartbreaking.
If I am not a good enough daughter, what makes me think I will ever be good enough for a man, for love.. i will never make a good wife, maybe i will never make a good mother. I always blame everything about myself, start to blame for how the way i look mostly. I constantly think no man will love me because im too fat, and i look like a elephant and my body is just too disgusting to look at. My face is too chubby and ugly to look at. No man wants a stupid girl, no man would want me because im just not smart. If i was to be with a man, what would he be proud of? i have nothing to offer but my heart.. and i just feel don't like that's enough. I would want a man to show off to his friends about me.. what can he show off? I'm nothing but fat, ugly, stupid, and worthless, so i feel this way.. I feel this is why no one wants me, no man will ever love me. In the past i would always say Guys use me for sex, because they never want to be with me, they never want to commit to me, date me, have a serious relationship with me, all they wanted was to screw me, or use me for sex and it's my fault because i let them. I make it seemed like the guys are the bad guys but in reality i guess im using them too, i give them what they want so they give me what i want which is.. ATTENTION. Even though the guys didn't had the feelings for me, they still paid attention to me.. maybe not exactly the way i wanted.. but it was still their Attention still got the closeness even if the feelings weren't real, they still held my hand, hold me, kiss me and touched me.. etc... I always thought if i slept with them.. I would still get a part of them even if it wasn't their heart. It was still something.. so sad right? I remember i had sex with a guy in his car and it was terrible but it was nice at the moment. The guy lets call him Lucas since im not going to say his real name. But this was when i was 20 when he reached out to me, and i went to school with Luke and he was on the football team in middle school and he was on the basketball team in high school. Luke was very popular back than and not only that i had been crushing on him since we had math together in middle school, we weren't ever friends but he wasn't mean to me, although he did mock me and maybe teases me a little but we had our laughs. But i kept thinking a guy like him who wants to hang out with me, was too good to be true.. All the sudden after all those years, he wanted to hang out with me alone? one thing led to another.. in his car.. and like i said i felt confident and good at that time just to be with someone like him would want to hold my hands.. It was almost a dream come true. Until after we were done.. I went home and cried.. because i knew it was wrong.. because i knew Luke didn't actually liked me but he must have just been attractive to me or maybe it was a bet he made with his friends .. honestly don't know.. But his friends called me up that same night and start harassing me and asking me if i could sleep with them too.. it was an awful feeling.. of course we never saw each other
after that.. Than there was Nathan .. which im going to call him that... and Nathan i had went to school with since Elementary until High school he also reached out to me but he def. wasn't a asshole, and he never was. Nathan was also popular guys, but we never really crossed paths, never had classes together, never in the same room in school, we had never even said a word to each other before, didn't even know he knew i existed lol Nathan was a very nice guy and according to a few of my friends he was a nice man back in grade school. Nathan was tall, muscular and very attractive and he really did had a nice personality and i could have easily fell in love with him if he ever even gave me the time or day. I was practically Nate's booty call for three years, he would only text me when he WANTS AND CLAIMS HE IS JUST too busy to have a committed relationship and i figure if this is the only way to keep him close than i guess we will just be friends with benefits.. sad right? Nate was everything i wanted in a guy he was sweet, nice, fun, tall, and handsome and i really like being around him. I always felt comfortable, and warm around him and he gave me butterflies all the time. I always wonder that for three years when was he ever going to give me a chance, what could have i done to be good enough for him to date me for real. I wanted to be than just a booty call. more than just a girl he is attracted to, more than just a girl he to wants to have fun with. But of course in the end, i was just not good enough for him, eventually we stop talking all together and until this day i wonder why he never gave me a chance but wanted to keep me as his F*ck buddies for like three years.. we didn't even had a friendship.. of course there were other guys but they were just like Luke and Nate, they never wanted anything more than just sex or just friends with benefits bc I just wasn't worth it..
Hey Readers,
How are you guys? Hope you guys are doing well..
Today, I want to talk about my anxiety, my depression and my health.
I don't know if you know anything about anxiety and depression,
those who have anxiety and depression and those who understands and went through it, than you will know what I'm talking about. Before I go into details, I want to give a short introduction or definitions of what anxiety and depression is. as well as my other diagnoses.. information and photos I got is from Google..
My therapist did diagnose me as having Anxiety and depression. "Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain. outcome." "Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home."
When I was younger I was diagnose by a pediatrician psychiatrist that I have ADHD which stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. "ADHD is a disorder that makes it difficult for a person to pay attention and control impulsive behaviors. He or she may also be restless and almost constantly active."
Almost 4-5 years ago I was Diagnose with
Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a hormonal disorder common among women of reproductive age. Women with PCOS may have infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods or excess male hormone (androgen) levels. The ovaries may develop numerous small collections of fluid (follicles) and fail to regularly release eggs."
Almost for 4 years not I was diagnose my pulmonologist that I have Asthma, thankfully it is not severe and usually accts up during cold seasons like Fall and winter, or if I am in cold air. My asthma gets bad too when I am as well. "Asthma is a condition in which your airways narrow and swell and produce extra mucus. This can make breathing difficult and trigger coughing, wheezing and shortness of breath."
Now there is a introduction of all my diagnoses, lets talk about the details, my life and my struggles. To be honest I wanted to just talk abut my anxiety and my depression but I also realize that my health problems is part of it and is connected to my anxiety and depression as well.. mentally and physically. I want to be honest with you guys as much as possible because even though I feel like I am going through this alone, I know that a lot of you guys are going through this, and can relate to this as well. I think my anxiety and depression probably started in high school but I guess the story started as a child. It was rough for me as a child, even as a family, my parents were immigrants from Struggling to survive the American dreams. We moved a lot due to my father's job I was Born in Kansas, Moved to Minnesota, than to Boston, MA, than Birmingham AL, than CT.. the last stop for now. Been in CT SINCE 4TH GRADE
I just turn
27th on the 10th of March.. As you can only assume it was hard for me making friends because of moving to so many different school so many times. as I can't remember my childhood, I can only remember the fights that my parents would have all the time, I can remember the times I was being bullied as child throughout high school by my classmates, and I can remember the feelings I had back than, sad, lonely and lost. I still feel like that, in a fact I think in my early 20s my emotions became darker in darker.. I would cry every single day until I fell asleep, ,I was angry all the time, and I just didn't want to do anything but stay in my bed and hide. I hated myself, I hated my life, my face and I defnity hated my body. All I wanted to do was hide from the world and pray nobody would see my because I was afraid that people would laugh at me as they did back than when I was a child and in high school especially the guys. I remember walking through school halls people would just laugh at me, they would talk about how funny my outfits were, how weird I am and etc.. People would just pick on me.. because why? I wasn't white, blonde, blue eyes, a cheerleader, skinny or a straight A student? Those are the things I figure why I didn't have a lot of friends, I would always tell myself if only I was, if only I am, if only I have...
Not only I was struggling as a child in school I was also struggling as Daughter. Majority, Chinese people are super smart and successful. You met them im sure, most Chinese kids I know are all honors students, straight As students, musicians playing the violin or Piano really well,
going to amazing schools and now they are engineers, lawyers, or doctors. If you are raised by a Chinese family, than you have to live by your parent's expectation and if you don't.. you are DISHONOR to your family, and DISGRACE. The expectations of a Chinese parents.. You are not allowed to have a A- on your report card, you will play the piano or violin 2 hours a day or until your hands bleed when you play perfectly. No tv or hangout with friends weekdays, on weekend you will study, study and do the extra homework your parents assigned to you, and aside from that you have Chinese homework TO DO BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO GO TO CHINESE SCHOOL ON SUNDAYS.. Your Chinese parents expects you choose your career as a Lawyer, Engineer, or a doctor. Mostly if you are a girl, they expect your husband to be a white or Chinese and they have to also have a career as a doctor, lawyer, and engineer, as well as having a nice car and a nice house. If you do not have anything I just listed than again you are a dishonor, an embarrassment and a disgrace to the family. You guys may think im overeating but asked any Chinese who were raises by Chinese immigrants what their parent's expectations. Anyway well I'm not a honor student, I was a B, and c student. I have aDHD SO that didn't help, I suck at piano and I blew my SATS and I went to a community college and tried to go through nursing bc my parents made but I quit because I kept failing all the math and science classes.. I spend 4 years are a 2 year college only graduation with a associates degree under math and science. I work at a call center and only make $13 per hr and i don't drive, don't have a house and no husband and no grandkids to give to my parent. Still live with my family and I am complete failure and a loser. As much as my parents won't admit, but they are extremely embarrassed of me, they always brag about my two youngers sister how my 20 years sister is majoring in bio science, and how she got an internship over the summer and how she got a great scholarships and they talk about my youngest sister is in all honors student and she is always at the to of her class. A couple of weeks ago I had a fight with my parents, in the end I apologized to them but not being the perfect daughter and being an embarrassment and a disgrace. They told me they worry abut me ad I have too much self pity.. when I said sorry, they said "Your sorry? so what? what's the point of you being sorry to me? what are you going to do to make you no sorry? do something than?" even though they didn't say the exact words on being embarrasses and ashamed of me and didn't need to tell me directly. I just know and I just feel it. Do you what is it like to have your parents being ashamed ND embarrassed, I already have enough on my plate and not having the support from my family is really hard. My family blames me for everything, they think im lazy, too emotional and they don't understand why I cant be normal. They blamed me for being bullied because I wasn't a normal kid.. I always had issues and caused problems.. You guys have no IDEA what it is like being Chinese, being raised by a Chinese family, by Chinese immigrants. The pressure, the stress and the emotions you have to go through. I cry for myself, but I also cry for my parents. I will never be the daughter they want. sometimes I wish I was never born so I don't have the disappointments on their face because that is heartbreaking.
300 × 250Images may be subject to copyright
If I am not a good enough daughter, what makes me think I will ever be good enough for a man, for love.. i will never make a good wife, maybe i will never make a good mother. I always blame everything about myself, start to blame for how the way i look mostly. I constantly think no man will love me because im too fat, and i look like a elephant and my body is just too disgusting to look at. My face is too chubby and ugly to look at. No man wants a stupid girl, no man would want me because im just not smart. If i was to be with a man, what would he be proud of? i have nothing to offer but my heart.. and i just feel don't like that's enough. I would want a man to show off to his friends about me.. what can he show off? I'm nothing but fat, ugly, stupid, and worthless, so i feel this way.. I feel this is why no one wants me, no man will ever love me. In the past i would always say Guys use me for sex, because they never want to be with me, they never want to commit to me, date me, have a serious relationship with me, all they wanted was to screw me, or use me for sex and it's my fault because i let them. I make it seemed like the guys are the bad guys but in reality i guess im using them too, i give them what they want so they give me what i want which is.. ATTENTION. Even though the guys didn't had the feelings for me, they still paid attention to me.. maybe not exactly the way i wanted.. but it was still their Attention still got the closeness even if the feelings weren't real, they still held my hand, hold me, kiss me and touched me.. etc... I always thought if i slept with them.. I would still get a part of them even if it wasn't their heart. It was still something.. so sad right? I remember i had sex with a guy in his car and it was terrible but it was nice at the moment. The guy lets call him Lucas since im not going to say his real name. But this was when i was 20 when he reached out to me, and i went to school with Luke and he was on the football team in middle school and he was on the basketball team in high school. Luke was very popular back than and not only that i had been crushing on him since we had math together in middle school, we weren't ever friends but he wasn't mean to me, although he did mock me and maybe teases me a little but we had our laughs. But i kept thinking a guy like him who wants to hang out with me, was too good to be true.. All the sudden after all those years, he wanted to hang out with me alone? one thing led to another.. in his car.. and like i said i felt confident and good at that time just to be with someone like him would want to hold my hands.. It was almost a dream come true. Until after we were done.. I went home and cried.. because i knew it was wrong.. because i knew Luke didn't actually liked me but he must have just been attractive to me or maybe it was a bet he made with his friends .. honestly don't know.. But his friends called me up that same night and start harassing me and asking me if i could sleep with them too.. it was an awful feeling.. of course we never saw each other
after that.. Than there was Nathan .. which im going to call him that... and Nathan i had went to school with since Elementary until High school he also reached out to me but he def. wasn't a asshole, and he never was. Nathan was also popular guys, but we never really crossed paths, never had classes together, never in the same room in school, we had never even said a word to each other before, didn't even know he knew i existed lol Nathan was a very nice guy and according to a few of my friends he was a nice man back in grade school. Nathan was tall, muscular and very attractive and he really did had a nice personality and i could have easily fell in love with him if he ever even gave me the time or day. I was practically Nate's booty call for three years, he would only text me when he WANTS AND CLAIMS HE IS JUST too busy to have a committed relationship and i figure if this is the only way to keep him close than i guess we will just be friends with benefits.. sad right? Nate was everything i wanted in a guy he was sweet, nice, fun, tall, and handsome and i really like being around him. I always felt comfortable, and warm around him and he gave me butterflies all the time. I always wonder that for three years when was he ever going to give me a chance, what could have i done to be good enough for him to date me for real. I wanted to be than just a booty call. more than just a girl he is attracted to, more than just a girl he to wants to have fun with. But of course in the end, i was just not good enough for him, eventually we stop talking all together and until this day i wonder why he never gave me a chance but wanted to keep me as his F*ck buddies for like three years.. we didn't even had a friendship.. of course there were other guys but they were just like Luke and Nate, they never wanted anything more than just sex or just friends with benefits bc I just wasn't worth it..
396 × 452Images may be subject to copyright
Everyday i wonder when i will ever be good enough for anyone. What can i do to make people i care for and love to stay by my side. People always leaves and it hurts, i blame myself everyday. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder what was it that drove them way, what is it about me that people just don't want to stay with me. What can i do to make them love me, to make them be with me and never let go of me. What can i do to make people keep their promises? what did i do to make people treat me like this? what did i do to deserves this? there has to be something about that drove people away? that makes people just dislike me? it's my fault that people treated me so badly..
My depressions and anxiety is really bad, i start to feel scared being in local publics afraid to meet my past, im afraid to be seen in public by my past, im afraid to put up live videos bc what ppl will live and they will be disgusted. I'm afraid to meet guys because im afraid what they will think of e. I am afraid to do things because im afraid to fail and disappoint. All i ever want to is just stay home in the corner in my bed and cry, that's how my bad my anxiety and depress it. My hearts hurts bc of the emotionally pain
im going through.
My past stripped away my confidence, my self esteem and my self love, and my present is struggling with anxiety and depression and my present is dealing with a lot of health issues. I mentioned before i have pcos and it caused me to gain a lot of weight. I am so self conscious about my weight and i just feel absolutely disgusted with my body, i have skin tags everywhere, and dark spots. I have to go to so many doctors, and take so many medications for my pcos and i have to worried about cysts getting bigger sand due to my pcos i may have small chance of getting pregnant which means no kids, no family. The amount of stress im going through due to my health is horrible.. I'm not healthy, i have to lose 100 lbs to be at a healthy state bc if i don't i am this close to being a diabetic. Due to my health bc i also have asthma i also have sleeping problems, i cant sleep.. i will wake up like 4-8x a night and have restless sleeps. I can sleep for 8 to 10 hrs. and still feel exhausted in he morning.. i want to
im going through.
My past stripped away my confidence, my self esteem and my self love, and my present is struggling with anxiety and depression and my present is dealing with a lot of health issues. I mentioned before i have pcos and it caused me to gain a lot of weight. I am so self conscious about my weight and i just feel absolutely disgusted with my body, i have skin tags everywhere, and dark spots. I have to go to so many doctors, and take so many medications for my pcos and i have to worried about cysts getting bigger sand due to my pcos i may have small chance of getting pregnant which means no kids, no family. The amount of stress im going through due to my health is horrible.. I'm not healthy, i have to lose 100 lbs to be at a healthy state bc if i don't i am this close to being a diabetic. Due to my health bc i also have asthma i also have sleeping problems, i cant sleep.. i will wake up like 4-8x a night and have restless sleeps. I can sleep for 8 to 10 hrs. and still feel exhausted in he morning.. i want to
cry and scream because i am exhausted.
These are things i went through, and i am still going through
I'm NOT SURE IF I'LL EVER STOP FEELING LIKE THIS
I hope i will be happy one day and love myself and be comfortable and happy with myself
i hope you will too
thank you for taking the time to read my story, i hope you can relate and maybe we can be there together
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